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The big third person interview: Easter

With the country currently celebrating Easter, I sat down with myself to find out where this annual holiday originates from.

Adam: Hello, thank you for answering these questions about Easter.

Adam: It’s not a problem- I’m always happy to help out.

Adam: Why do we have Easter?

Adam: It’s something to do with Jesus dying and then coming back to life. It’s a bit like when that man went missing in that canoe and then came back although the difference is we condemned the canoe man but we celebrate Jesus. But then again canoe man didn’t get us all a four-day weekend so it could be something to do with that. I also don’t think there were complications with insurance back in made-up biblical times.

Adam: Is that what the last supper was about? The last supper before Jesus’ death?

Adam: It was but I don’t think they labelled it as the last supper back then. ‘Hey are you coming to the last supper on Thursday?’ It was probably just called supper. There was probably bread, wine, quite a heavy supper really when you consider cookies and milk is the norm but you have to respect other cultures even if those cultures do crucify their own leader.

Adam: Why did Judas hate Jesus so much?

Adam: Jealousy. Simple as. The guy could walk on water and then turn that water into wine. That’s some party trick! And if you’re out for dinner as well and one of your friends orders 14 glasses of water and turns them all into wine then you are going to have the hump for a stunt like that. Especially if you don’t like wine and were looking forward to a refreshing glass of water. Judas’ party trick can’t have been as good, maybe it was licking his nose with his own tongue but that’s never going to be enough compared to the Messiah.

Adam: At the last supper why did everyone face the same way when eating?

Adam: That is the million dollar question and I can only presume that they had a good view of a sea front or the sun descending behind the mountains. It makes it a lot more difficult to share your tapas though, but then it made Da Vinci’s job of painting the scene a lot easier.

Adam: Was it the best table in the restaurant then?

Adam: It looks like it would have been a private booking, yeah. They were lucky in some respects because some places don’t let you reserve tables now but it was a large party so it’s good to see common sense prevailed. Delicious food, nice wine, riveting conversation and a little bit of deceit from one person.

Adam: Would it have been the same restaurant they now film Channel 4’s First Dates in?

Adam: It’s unlikely but not impossible. There are a few people in the painting who look like the French dude from it but I can’t see any awkward looking couples so I don’t think so.

Adam: When Jesus rose from the dead what would the reaction have been like?

Adam: Judas won’t have been happy after he went to all that trouble. I think it was a bit like when Dirty Den came back into Eastenders. There was initially some excitement and shock but then people just got on with their lives. It was like when David Blaine was in that box for a few months, people just lost interest and it was a trick too far. Ultimately he had to go then.

Adam: So how did we go from all of this to giving out chocolate eggs?

Adam: Eggs symbolise life and if you eat too much chocolate then that symbolises death although I’ll admit it is a stretch. It’s as if the whole thing is made up and we needed something to carry on the Easter thing or we’d risk losing that four day weekend. It also shows what a commercialised world we live in, although 3 for 2 on Easter eggs at Tesco is an absolute steal and you can’t complain about offers like that really.

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